


Une Chose

by MidnightBunnyy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: ):, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, BAMF Lily Evans Potter, Coma, Home Alone Inspired Shenanigans, I Tried, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, James Potter Lives, Like, Manipulative Albus Dumbledore, Past James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, The Traitors, WTF, What Was I Thinking?, Why Did I Write This?, Wtf am I doing, and remus has her, even though shes dead, home alone style defenses, i dont know, i thought this up on a sleep deprived car trip so idk, its because i killed lily!, its named pax, james and sirius will not stand for that shit, marauders plus boredom equals screwed voldie, my friends encouraged me to do this, no! i say, or at least he tries, prongs beats up voldie, the cat is here!, why? you ask, will it be prongsfoot? you ask
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:02:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26335345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightBunnyy/pseuds/MidnightBunnyy
Summary: What if... James hadn't died, but had gone into a coma?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & James Potter
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	Une Chose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't expect more chapters like this, I did an amazingly bad job, but I needed to get this out of the way to start the actual story.  
> This also features text from the books, which I sadly don't own.

The Dark Lord Voldemort wasn't expecting anything else as defenses other than the Fidelius charm, and maybe wards.

Instead, in the time it took him to reach the kitchen, he was covered in itching powder that had been dumped on his head the second he walked in, had had a bucket of ice-cold water dumped on his head a minute later, had tripped over a small step into the hallway, landed on a creaky board that had dropped down and opened up to play "Stayin Alive" loudly and flash a bright disco ball, effectively blinding and deafening him momentarily, the next step he took turning his dragonhide boots into red, leather bejeweled high heels he wobbled around in, the next paint turning his robes a neon green, and much more, including, but not limited to: toilet cleaning supplies hitting him over the head, a bucket of trash dumped on him, gossiping portraits distracting him, some sort of small disk with spikes and a knife taped to it yelling "INTRUDER ALERT!" and rushing after him, an army of dust bunnies dragging down his hee- ahem, _boots,_ and rugs yanking out from under him.

When he at last reached the door to the kitchen, the door knob was burning hot, and when he opened the door, all the silverware flew toward him. 

He managed to slam the door shut before he was impaled by a fork, but not before a spoon hit his forehead with a _thud._

When he opened the door a second time, he was hit by antlers and pushed back out into the hallway, straight into the clutches of a tripwire that dumped a tub of slime on him.

When he opened the door a third time, he was better prepared. His wand in hand, he stepped through the door, ready to cast the killing curse, the words already halfway out, when a pair of hooves knocked him down to the ground, ruining the spell. 

The stag reared up, about to hit him again. The Dark Lord yells "STUPEFY!", and the stag gets knocked back, straight into a counter, knocking an antler off, and lying in a motionless heap, still as though dead, not a whisper of life.

He continued out of the kitchen, and up the stairs, where he hit various other traps, most notably a swinging can of paint, glittery dung bombs, more paint, making his robes an unholy mix of neon green and glittery hot pink, a carton of eggs hitting him in the face, the contents of a litter box falling on him, a rain of small pebbles, and cold, wet cereal oozing from the stairs, up his legs, and into his hee- boots.

At last, he arrived at the child's nursery. He forced the door open, and stood for a moment, still an imposing figure, despite the various liquids dripping down him, his neon green and glittery pink robes and gaudy red leather high heels, before swishing his wand and casting away the boxes piled against the door.

There she stood, standing in front of the cradle housing the child, as if this would help. 

"Not Harry, not Harry, please, not Harry!"

"Stand aside, you silly girl... stand aside, now."

"Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead-"

"This is my last warning-"

"Not Harry! Please... have mercy... have mercy... Not Harry! Not Harry! Please- I'll do anything-"

"Stand aside. Stand aside, girl!"

He could have forced her away from the crib, but it seemed more prudent to finish them all...

A green light flashed, and Lily Potter dropped to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to not thank my friends, they got me very confused on what takes place when. But I would like to thank them for encouraging me to write this garbage, even when I had doubts and thought it would be terrible (which it is). You traitors.

**Author's Note:**

> Visit me on my tumblr, [duchessmb!](https://duchessmb.tumblr.com/#)  
> 


End file.
